Rude Boy (And Even Ruder Girls)

There are a few things in life that make me feel like I’m getting old. One is when I receive wedding invitations from my friends (Congratulations Trish!), another is when I find myself talking  about furniture upholstery for any prolonged period of time. But the one that happens most frequently is when I am shocked or appalled by contemporary pop music. The latest culprit is Rihanna’s latest single ‘Rude Boy’.

Don’t get me wrong, I quite like Rihanna. And I respect her more than most popstars for being upfront about her sexuality and for never or pretending she doesn’t quite “get” what her lyrics are saying. Anyone with half a brain knows what body part she is referring to when she wonders “can you get it up?” or “is your big enough”? It seems the song was written by Baltimore native Makeba Riddick. You can read an interview with the lyrical genius here.

But her latest single’s lyrics sound like the transcript of a porn film. So, to prove my point and for simplicity (and fun!), I have divided up some of the lyrics to make my own porn script. Character #1 is simply Rude Girl and character #2 is Rude Girl. I have resisted the temptation to add another character into the equation..

Rude Girl: Come here, rude boy, can you get it up? Come here rude boy, is your big enough?
Rude Boy: Take it, take it baby, baby. Take it, take it.
Rude Girl: Love me. Love me.
Rude Boy: Tonight I’ma let you be a rider. Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up babe. Do you like it?
RG: Boy, I want, what you want. Give it to me, baby like boom, boom, boom
RB: Take it, take it, baby, baby, take it, take it
RG: Relax; let me do it how I wanna. If you got it I need it and I’ma put it down Tonight I’ma get a little crazy, get a little crazy, baby
RB: Buckle up; I’ma give it to ya stronger. Heads up; we could go a little longer. Do you like it?
RG: Give it to me, baby like boom, boom, boom
RB: Take it, take it, baby, baby, take it, take it
RG: I like the way you touch me there. I like the way you pull my hair. I like when you tell me ‘kiss you here’. I like when you tell me ‘move it there’. So get it up; time to get it up: you say you a rude boy: show me what you got now
RB: Take it, take it, baby, baby, take it, take it

(pause)

RG: Come here right now

Yes, it really is a charming love story. I actually wanted to find the transcript of an actual porn movie for comparison but it turns out they are few and far between… It seems people are too busy doing other things with their hands than transcribe what everyone is saying.

Oh and speaking of women and porn; this comic is hilarious!

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